Darkness

What do you do when your life feels like it's falling apart? I don't know. I used to have a boyfriend to turn to tell all of my problems, but what if he is the problem? I don't want to break up with him because that would solve nothing. He is an amazing guy... When he isn't in this "mood". I think he has some kind of issue that needs to be dealt with. But I don't know how to deal with it by myself. I've tried so hard to do it by myself and he's tried... But we go in circles. I see every sign that we are going to get into a fight and there is no avoiding it. We started taking an interpersonal communications class because I knew that communication was one of our problems. But that is not working. He hates the class. He hates the homework, so half of the time, he just doesn't do the homework. He thinks this will help him somehow. Like it relieves stress to NOT do homework. Ha.

Sometimes, I just want to take away the pain. I want it to all go away. I want it to all be gone... These are scary, dark thoughts. And when I find myself thinking them, I'm normally staring at something sharp or dangerous. But when I fall into this hypnotic trance, I try to awaken from it. I don't really want to do this, do I? I mean, this is bad... We've been told not to do these things since we were young. It is bad to do these things. Never ever ever do these things. Bad, Leah, no, Leah. Don't ever think that! You shouldn't think that! Don't let the stress think that! You've been so strong! People have complimented how strong you have been with your diseases. Are you going to let a boyfriend be the thing to finally get to you? Is that really what it takes?

Feelings for another person can be super strong. They can be exceedingly so. No one knows what love can be like until they have been in it. When their loved one is hurting, it hurts them directly. The loved one may not realize it. When everything fails and the loved one is suffering... bad things might happen. I don't want bad things to happen. It always feels like something is taking over me. I am a good person. I'm always happy go lucky. People who meet me would never, ever believe I would ever have such dark thoughts. And the one time I scratched my arm with my bracelet, no one except my boyfriend found out. And no one would probably believe me. That wasn't so bad. I recovered and I haven't done it again since. I hope I never do.

Please, dark thoughts, stay away. I don't want you hear and I'm pretty sure no one else does. I love him. Please, please, Cordell, feel better. And do your homework.