No Calls

They said they would call back if I had gotten the job. Guess what? No call back. I've been crying for the past few hours because I know a few places where I could have said more when the guy asked me certain questions. I know if he was older, I could have gotten the job. I'm great with older people. If they are my age, I am terribly nervous. I don't know why this is. Well, I don't really feel like talking to anybody at the moment, so I'm going to go play Sims or do something constructive...

Jobs... Can't find anything. At all. Cordell might have to give up school and find another one in order for us to keep our apartment. All because of me. I suck.

Interview!

It just turned June 2, as of thirty-five minutes ago, so I am forced to see that terrible date... I hate calling it the next day when it still feels like the first to me. My rule when I talk to Cordell is that it is not the next day until I go to bed. Yes, that even means when I stay up until five. I'm such a dork. Anyways, on with the blog entry!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! I GOT A CALL BACK FOR AN INTERVIEW! This has never happened before in the history of ever! Yes, this means that I am 19 and never had a job. Who cares? I'm lazy. Anyways, it's Blockbuster. Yes, people, I still have one near me. I keep getting that. They are going out of business around the country, but there is still one around here even though I hear we do have Redbox, yet I still hadn't heard of it. It's because people like our Blockbuster or something. ANYWAYS!! I am super duper excited because I've never had an interview and it is tomorrow. I had to move around a visit with my dad and grandpa, but I didn't care. Well, I hadn't seen my grandpa in ages, but he loves me and can wait a few hours. I love movie places. If I get the job, I could get FREE GAME RENTALS! But this is better than fast food restaurants and clothing stores. It's more mellow and they don't really have fast days because their longest lines are 3 people... I've been in there. A busy store just has people wandering around. And I can't remember stuff easily, so I can't be a waitress. BLOCKBUSTER!! I can't believe it...

Oh and I'm out of school. So I could be working all summer. I got out of school a week and a half ago. They could not have called at a better time. Blockbuster, I think I love you. I need to remember to bring up that I am in college and they need to take that in consideration if they hire me. Oh my, I could have a job. I could, I could, I could... Please, oh, please hire me. Ya know, most people who get to the interview part get the job. At least in towns like mine. So, this is a REALLY good sign. YES YES YES YES YES!!! Can you tell I'm super excited? Wow, my heart is racing...

Bullied

Warning: Not suitable for all ages. This material contains violence and adult language.

From the right a fist swung at me. I couldn't duck in time and it hit my left eye. I collapsed on the ground and He kicked my jaw. He stomped on my stomach twice before spitting on my face. I felt like dirt. I shuddered and struggled to get up and he kicked me down again. He kicked my elbow and there was an audible rip as the skin tore. Blood poured on the ground in a red river. Tears trickled from my eyes as the pain grew immense and I blacked out.

He was named Caleb Johnson and there were plenty of him. I was bullied intensely. This happened all the time and no one did anything about it. I tried to talk to counselors, but they never helped me. The bullies would just attack me twice as badly the next day for snitching. After trying with the counselors, I just decided to give up. What was I going to do? Was I going to switch schools? My mom couldn't afford a private school and we couldn't move again. My dad was in prison. I was at the point where I wanted to die.

Taylor didn't want me to die. He was, in fact, the only thing that kept me wanting to live. He was my best friend. We were Sophomores. He was the one to take me to the nurse's office every day after my beating's and hide me when he could. He never understood how much I appreciated his help.

One Thursday, we were walking home through the neighborhood's park.

"Taylor, want to go to the movie's this weekend?" I asked. "I have money."

He shook his head, "I think you should save it."

"Why?"

"You know..." he trailed off. "You might need it in case we have to go to the emergency room again."

I winced. I hated that. What 15 year-old has to do that? We really should be worrying about prom, not having to go to the emergency room. This made my blood boil. These bullies needed to go. I made a fist with my hand.

"Piper, don't you think you should just go home and rest? You've been through a lot recently," Taylor said gently.

I sat down on a bench and swung my feet back and forth. I was wearing shorts and I had bruises all down my legs. I also had cuts and scrapes. I rubbed my knee where I had a huge scab that was trying to heal. I knew it was just going to get cut open again. I glared at it, "I hate high school. I want it to be over."

"I know, Piper. It will be over in a few years. Just wait it out," he said reassuringly. 

"They're going to kill me before then!" I said, tears welling in my eyes.

Silence fell between us. Both of us knew that this was a possibility. In the direction things were going, it could very well happen that things could get carried away and they could punch me in the wrong spot in the neck or I could loose too much blood one day. We knew this bullying was unhealthy for my psyche as well. I rubbed my temples. What was I going to do?

"I have to fight back," I said sternly.

"You can't fight back. They're stronger than you," Taylor said. His deer brown eyes were begging me not to. His shaggy black hair was in his face. I brushed it out of his eyes.

"You worry about me like my family does," I smiled. "But I'll be okay."

He shook his head, "No, you won't. You should have seen how you were the last time I carried you to the nurse's office. I was worried sick."

"Taylor," I put my hand on top of his resting on the bench. I felt his whole body go rigid. I wondered what it was, but didn't ask him. "I'll be fine."

Taylor's eyes shifted warily before kissing me on the cheek, "Please be careful," he whispered. He got up and ran home. My fingers traced the spot where he kissed.

Wow, someone cared about me? I shrugged, it was just Taylor... but... Wait, just Taylor? He had been there for me the whole time I lived there. Why hadn't I realized this before? My cheeks burned. Suddenly, I wished Taylor hadn't run away. I wished he would have stayed, then we would have been able to walk home together.

With my newfound crush in my heart, I walked home. Approaching an alley, I heard the kicking of a can. My heart sunk as Allen Walker ambled out of the darkness. He stood under the streetlight and smiled at me, "Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

"I'm going home," I said sternly. I already got beat up once today, I didn't need it again.

"Not yet, you aren't," he clenched his fist.

I swallowed hard. The last thing I saw was a fist coming right at my face, then complete darkness.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I woke up, I was surrounded by white walls and a faint beeping sound was ringing in my ears. I inhaled and noticed it sounded a little strange. I looked down and saw I was wearing one of those breathing masks. A ventilator? Yeah, that's what they're called. Tears welled up in my eyes. I looked to the side and saw my wallet sitting on top of my jacket. That asshole didn't even take my wallet. I know it's weird to say, but I wish he had. If he had taken it, then it would have at least made it seem more of like a robbery. This was just plain hatred. As I looked around the room, my mother was nowhere to be seen and neither was Taylor.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The next few days went by slowly. I wasn't improving and I wasn't responding to the nurse's questions. Where was Taylor? Why hadn't he showed up yet? Where was my mom? She would know... Finally, on the third day, she ran into the hospital.

"Sorry it took me so long, I had work," she said as she sat down. Without looking up from her cell phone, she asked, "Who beat you up this time?"

The nurses had taken me off the ventilator by now and I mumbled, "Allen."

"Him, I know his mom. She's a client, though, so I can't say anything. Business. You know how it is, sweetie," she went on. Everything was always business with her.

"Where's Taylor?"

"Oh, you haven't heard? He's dead, honey. Got hit by a car on the way to the hospital trying to see you," she said so flatly.

"What?" I breathed. How could my mom be so heartless.

"The funeral was yesterday. Tons of flowers everywhere."

"You. Didn't. Tell. Me," Tears were flowing evenly down my cheeks. This woman was not my mother. She was just someone who gave birth to me. Taylor, my one friend, my only crush, was gone.

Mom shrugged. She typed something in on her cell phone. Really? That was it. She didn't care? I felt this anger rising up in my chest that had never been there before. I yanked the tubes out of my arms, causing the machine to go flat and blood to pour out of my veins, but I didn't care anymore. The one true love of my life was gone. Dead.

"Honey, you're overreacting," she said simply.

"YOU'RE UNDER-REACTING!" I screamed. I threw my arms around her neck and started choking her, tears falling down my face like a river. "You never cared about me! You wanted me to suffer. You wanted me to die! You know what? Now you're going to get your wish because the one person who was there for me is dead and you never even told me!"

The woman formerly called my mother gasped for air as the nurse ran into the room. She called for more nurses as they tried to get more people in the room. She attempted to pull me off of her, but my strength was too much. For once, I was strong. More and more nurses came into the room. Finally, they were able to pry me away from that horrible woman. She was choking, but alive, sadly. She was covered in my blood and ran out of the room.

"You better run, bitch!" I screamed.

I was strapped to my bed and injected with something that immediately made me calm down, but I had already lost a lot of blood from yanking the tubes from my veins. I felt light-headed and closed my eyes for the last time. I was going to be joined with Taylor once again. I smiled as I drifted off into a separate world.

Darkness

What do you do when your life feels like it's falling apart? I don't know. I used to have a boyfriend to turn to tell all of my problems, but what if he is the problem? I don't want to break up with him because that would solve nothing. He is an amazing guy... When he isn't in this "mood". I think he has some kind of issue that needs to be dealt with. But I don't know how to deal with it by myself. I've tried so hard to do it by myself and he's tried... But we go in circles. I see every sign that we are going to get into a fight and there is no avoiding it. We started taking an interpersonal communications class because I knew that communication was one of our problems. But that is not working. He hates the class. He hates the homework, so half of the time, he just doesn't do the homework. He thinks this will help him somehow. Like it relieves stress to NOT do homework. Ha.

Sometimes, I just want to take away the pain. I want it to all go away. I want it to all be gone... These are scary, dark thoughts. And when I find myself thinking them, I'm normally staring at something sharp or dangerous. But when I fall into this hypnotic trance, I try to awaken from it. I don't really want to do this, do I? I mean, this is bad... We've been told not to do these things since we were young. It is bad to do these things. Never ever ever do these things. Bad, Leah, no, Leah. Don't ever think that! You shouldn't think that! Don't let the stress think that! You've been so strong! People have complimented how strong you have been with your diseases. Are you going to let a boyfriend be the thing to finally get to you? Is that really what it takes?

Feelings for another person can be super strong. They can be exceedingly so. No one knows what love can be like until they have been in it. When their loved one is hurting, it hurts them directly. The loved one may not realize it. When everything fails and the loved one is suffering... bad things might happen. I don't want bad things to happen. It always feels like something is taking over me. I am a good person. I'm always happy go lucky. People who meet me would never, ever believe I would ever have such dark thoughts. And the one time I scratched my arm with my bracelet, no one except my boyfriend found out. And no one would probably believe me. That wasn't so bad. I recovered and I haven't done it again since. I hope I never do.

Please, dark thoughts, stay away. I don't want you hear and I'm pretty sure no one else does. I love him. Please, please, Cordell, feel better. And do your homework.

Poem on Vicodin

The world is colorful

So pretty and yummy

I want something better

To put in my tummy

Cordell is not at work

He does not have it today

It is only Friday

Not Sunday or Saturday

My heart is constricted

My chest feels tight

Someone is sitting on it

But is out of sight

This person on my chest

Is invisible and cannot be seen

I do not understand at all

This is a person, not a bean.

A poem written on vicodin

Is what this is tonight

I wonder if I should have done this

Or if people will be filled with fright.

Outside it is raining

Or has it calmed down?

I do not know because I am inside

I should be wearing a crown.

Horsey makes fun of me

For missing the goodbyes

But I should make fun of her

For having pie eyes.

Now this rhyme is coming to its end

I don't know why I had to say

But I felt like it

So... good day.

Knee Sucks

In about October of 2010, I have no idea how it happened, but I tore the meniscus of my left knee. For those of you who don't know what that is, tough. I don't want to explain it and I don't know how. Google it. :P Sadly, it happened again and I have no idea how it happened and now I have to go through Physical Therapy 2-3 times a week for who knows how long. This is going to suck. I don't know if I'm going to need surgery yet. This is going to be decided by an MRI in about a week perhaps. If not a week, a few months and if it's a few months, the doctor has decided to do Physical Therapy without permission of the MRI. Great... 18 and already messed up.

I got this ugly gray "knee immobilizer" or brace it to keep it from moving. I have to keep it elevated and ice it and something or other, which I haven't been doing any of it since I'm lazy, yet still want to walk around whenever I want to. I also have crutches, which give me a SUPER workout. SERIOUSLY! I didn't do this much workout when I did track! Then again, I didn't even run in track. I was a thrower... I hated running.

So, what's gonna happen? I'm going to be fudged up for the rest of my life... that's what's gonna happen. Once you mess up your knee, you're screwed. Ooooohhhhhh great. I have a lovely life ahead of me to look forward to. Ugh. Life is just swell.

Alone

 

 

Alone

 

My hopes and dreams fly away,

Whatever I do, I can't make them stay.

They slipped through my cold, hard hands,

Slipping through like ungrabbable sands.

 

All my big hopes drained through first,

After that, I felt cursed.

My dreams were the second to go,

I never felt so down and low.

 

Now I sit here with a pen,

Feeling hurt once again.

Tears fall down my sad face,

The pain I fought, I can't erase.

 

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 

(A poem I wrote around November 9, 2006. I was 14)

No Satisfying You

No Satisfying You

Wandering around my room
Wondering what you're going to do
There are always surprises
And I haven't got a clue

I give you one thing
But then you want more
You are never satisfied
And my heart is sore

I finally think that you're good
But then you turn it around
My happy climb to the top
Has just fallen to the ground

You are persistant
I can't get away
Whenever you plead and beg
I always stay

I can't go to friends
I know there's nothing they can do
I just have to walk away
And get over you

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

(Written on November 25, 2008. When I was 16)

Without You

Without You

My heart burns
From all the stress
I can not think
In this big mess

What you did to me
Really wasn't fair
You treated me poorly
You didn't even care

When you left
I began to smile
First time I was happy
In a very long while

Time without you
Has really been swell
I never knew life
Could go so well

The love you gave me
Was always fake
That stupid love
You made me take

You call yourself a father?
I'm glad you walked out
I thought you were cruel
You removed all doubt

I'm happy in this new life
Content and excited too
I'm glad you're gone
Life's great without you

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

(A poem I wrote on September 7, 2008. I was 16)